The Two Personas of Kurosaki Hisoka
by ketsuki
Summary: Since the first study of Tsuzuki was so well received, here's our favourite blonde green-eyed empathic and extremely angsty teenager - in a nutshell. Welcome to his world of the child and the adult.
1. The Child

  
  
He's so cute. He's so sweet. He's also a boy, like me.  
  
But eyes are pretty, a bright violet. Whenever I look at him through my…my ugly green ones, I just lose myself in his. My parents, my powers, my isolation is forgotten. I think that is my only salvation.  
  
He's always been kind to me. And sometimes I…we…may think he is acting a bit stupid, it's a childish stupid and I like it.  
  
I am only a child, after all.   
  
I come from a family where normalcy is valued. Where irregularity is despised. I am the irregularity.  
  
I can feel people's emotion. Whether they are good or bad, or neither, I can still feel them. And they become mine.  
  
It's hardly a talent, as others may think. Um…It is useful during missions, I guess, but it's definitely not the greatest power to have. For that matter, I think it's pretty weird.  
  
Tatsumi-san has his shadow warriors. Watari-san has his picture-come-to-life thing and his super intelligence (though sometimes misused), and…Tsuzuki has his shikigami and his wards.   
  
I think I am really really weak.  
  
That's why I don't come out often. Hisoka, as a person, wants to be an adult. He wants to be able to act mature in certain situations and circumstances, and he rarely acts like…well, like a child. But what he isn't aware of is that everyone has an Inner Child. And I am his Inner Child.  
  
But really, what is the definition of 'acting like a child'? Is it to laugh and play, to act childish and disregard things seemingly too difficult to regard? Is it to think of the world as a playground, a place to live happily for all eternity?   
  
Not really.  
  
As a child, we were never allowed those things. We spent the duration of our childhood locked up within a cold, damp basement, forced into a dark corner where no one would dare venture, for fear of the 'thing' that was also occupying said corner.  
  
Us. Hisoka.   
  
But an Inner Child keeps their innocence, their love for life, and I kept mine. If you see things through the eyes of the Inner Child within you, you will see that life is not really against you. You will see that not everyone is out to get you. And you will see that indeed, you have many others willing to venture into the corner and to guide you out.  
  
Like him. Tsuzuki Asato.  
  
He's incredibly strange, for a person who experienced so many pains and tortures in the duration of his life. He is a very happy person; his smiles are like a blessing and his acts of kindness are refreshing from the harsh reality of our 'occupation'.   
  
I know for a fact that it hurts him to have to kill because of what we do. The other and I that make up the one called Hisoka have fully accepted it. Perhaps it isn't the best choice to, but to protest is beyond our ability.  
  
He's different. He can feel guilt, but he can love with his whole heart and never let go despite the pain he will face when he will eventually lose them. He's giving.  
  
Yes, I admire him. He's nice to people. But why would he be nice to me? How many times have I wondered why? Why did it happen to me? Why did I have to be the one to see a monster feeding upon its prey, and in turn became the prey myself?  
  
Perhaps it was to allow me to meet someone like Tsuzuki.  
  
He provides comfort for me; he's just like that. He's a comfort for everyone.  
  
I was a child when I died. The white demon amongst the sea of blood…that is what I saw and what I see every night. A child's fear is indistinguishable, it haunts and it haunts until it drives them crazy.   
  
Soon they will see white demons and red moons everywhere they go.  
  
It's really really hard to try to forget about it. Next to impossible, actually. A child's greatest joy isn't a new toy. It isn't materialistic. I used to think that all a child ever wanted was comfort, because that was all I ever wanted. Now I know.  
  
A child's greatest joy is to have an object of affection. A child isn't born to be comforted. A child is born to comfort. Like when a married couple give birth to a child, it is a sign of their love. It is a comfort to know that as long as the child still exists, then their love is still in existence, and they won't lose what is most precious to them.  
  
How is it that my parents threw away their love for each other as well as I? How is it that they locked me up in the basement amongst the darkness?   
  
I think it was my empathy. Their child was born as a strange thing, a thing that could read minds and feel what their hearts were feeling. Secrets couldn't get past me. I knew their every thought, every emotion. And it scared them.  
  
Maybe because I was so strange, they thought their love for each other would eventually change into something just as weird and disgusting as I am. So the only way to save what they had left was to lock me away so that I would never affect them, I would never affect their life, no one would be able to see me and they would never be able to assume what I am.   
  
Maybe they thought that because I was born to them, that they were the same. Maybe they tried to escape a reality that they only existed within.   
  
They were scared. Yes, they were scared of what I was. What I am.   
  
And as a child, I would try to find someone who wouldn't be afraid, who would accept the comfort I had to offer.   
  
I am a child. I was born to comfort.  
  
But pain can change a person. We became different. No longer was there Hisoka the child. More like Hisoka the cold-hearted.   
  
Maybe Tsuzuki would be the person who will save me.  
  
Us.  
  
It's hard to tell. Sometimes I would wonder if he really had the ability. He would act so stupid, so frustratingly naïve (when I was supposed to be the child) that I am incapable of putting my trust in him, in his actions, in his words.  
  
Then he somehow manages to change my perspective of him. Every time I see him, my thoughts about him change. He becomes a different person.  
  
Maybe that is what we see in him. He can change in our eyes, but we are reassured that his sense of self will never change.  
  
I feel content when I am near him. Why? Because he acts like a child. And he is enough of a child for the both of us.  
  
I can't come out, because this side of me was locked away years ago, when I was first locked into the cold basement of my old home.  
  
But at least, when I am close to him, he will give me hope that one day, I will eventually be allowed to appear.  
  
Even for a split second, I can still cling to that hope.  
  
  



	2. The Adult

  
  
Sometimes I wonder why we even exist. Is it only to suffer? So that we can bring pain to each other, cause an endless cycle of torture not only to ourselves but also to the people around us?  
  
But then, sometimes I would wonder what we did wrong. I'm not a child anymore. Empathy is not a curse. It is neither a gift nor a blessing, but it is no more a curse then a scar over one's skin. For me, it is a remnant of what WAS my curse. The curse of having parents such as those I had. The curse of being born in a time when normalcy was valued beyond any reason above others.  
  
If I had been born into a different family; or perhaps at a different point in history, would I have suffered as I had? Would I still have been thrown into a dungeon in my own home?  
  
Questions and answers. Mundane things that no longer matter.  
  
I'm not sure if I am the true face of one Kurosaki Hisoka, or if I'm merely one of his many many different facades. He's only sixteen.  
  
But he experiences pain much worse then those twice his age.  
  
It's not a physical pain, or even an emotional pain. It's a gnawing deep within his mind that leaves holes where it hurts the most; hurting so much that he can barely stand to live on as he is now.  
  
Ironically, he's no longer living.  
  
There was once this man named Kazutaka Muraki. This white haired demon from hell murdered and killed more then he could count. How unlucky was it that he became a witness to one of his more secretive crimes?  
  
Well, no matter. He suffered for it.  
  
The mark is always there. We can feel it clearly every hour of the day. It throbs when Muraki is feeling particularly excitable. Sometimes I wonder how long it would take to drive us all off the deep end.  
  
It certainly wasn't taking up too much effort.  
  
Dying is an experience. You can really tell whether it was good or bad, I suppose it depends with each person it takes into its grasp. For me, it was just…mind numbing pain.  
  
Soon it doesn't become as bad as it started out to be. It calms the mind. The pain became our world. It surrounded us, seeping into the very crevices of our mind and became almost like one with us. Pain has quite the calming effect when applied effectively, let me assure you.  
  
I can honestly say that if I ever find out who pulled me from such a 'calming effect', I would very happily murder then and string them up if ever I get the chance.   
  
Damned Tsuzuki.  
  
Of course, he's different. If I ever get my hands on him, the other ones will very happily rip me to pieces. I'm not the only pessimistic one for nothing.  
  
But yes, it's true that Tsuzuki is different. He has many many sides that I have not yet uncovered. The more concentrated I am towards uncovering the true Asato Tsuzuki, the more I will eventually forget and that in itself was dangerous.  
  
But whoever said addiction never came with danger along for the ride?  
  
Tsuzuki is an addiction. Violet eyes seemingly holding all the secrets in the world; the mystery that surrounds him attractive and spellbinding…  
  
He has a power over us. He eases our self-inflicted pain. He makes us feel. The effect he has on us is frightening. Sometimes, I think he has more power over us then we have over ourselves.  
  
Of course, if we are talking in the sense of control over me, it will always be Kazutaka Muraki who will win. The red symbol over my back marks me as his. Sometimes I wonder if it would mean truly the end if I died now; as a shinigami (But was that even possible?). Would I be rid of this curse that has bonded me with a killer? Would I finally lose all consciousness of the physical plane, separating me from the only thing that has shaped my life for my full sixteen years; pain?  
  
It is not a choice I am allowed to make. I suspect that the white haired monster of a man will follow me even through death (for hasn't he proven to do so already?) until I am consumed by his hatred and monstrous love for blood. Until I will eventually welcome it with open arms and I would be ever so willing to be held in his arms, my conscience wiped from existence.  
  
I don't deny that there is a small craving always present at the back of my mind. That if I did welcome the darkness to surround me, override my mind and let myself go, I would be so much happier. I wouldn't have to suffer again. I would make others suffer in my stead.  
  
I admit, I am a bit of a sadist and a selfish bastard all wrapped up into one neat little package.  
  
It's difficult to be so good all the time. But tiring as it gets, some strive to be their best despite opposition because their belief in themselves and those around them is strong.  
  
Well, can you blame me if I tended to be lacking in that certain aspect in my personality?  
  
Distrust is an easy thing to develop throughout the years. It's not about being scared to get too close; it's being cautious. Tsuzuki has no sense of caution whatsoever. It seems that whenever he's in a serious situation, his childish behaviour flies out the window but then so does his vigilance. But he manages to emerge victorious every single time.  
  
Not everyone has his dumb luck (though I have to admit he does have talent).  
  
But somehow, I know that I can depend on him. I'm not sure if it's trust, maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Because if it were, it would be horribly warped because I'm sure that the urge to rip his head off certainly does not have anything to do with trust between two partners.  
  
Sometimes he is an annoyance I can seemingly never get rid of, other times he is my anchor to my harsh reality, there to stabilize my emotions when I need to and just there even when I didn't need to.  
  
I'm not saying this as if he will be the one to save me. Because eventually, I will need someone to pull me away from him, from the beautiful prospect, to be free from human emotions, that he will offer me. That person won't necessarily be Tsuzuki.   
  
Of course we all wished that it would be Tsuzuki. It had been us who had saved him on his little suicidal escape. But would he be willing to do the same for us?  
  
It is a question we are afraid to answer.  
  
Nobody has helped us before. Nobody was willing to. If Tsuzuki was no different…if he hadn't the ability to pull us away from the firm grip of one Kazutaka Muraki…  
  
Then we eventually will belong; body, heart, and soul to the white demon amongst glowing red.  
  
But there really was no surprise there. We already do.   
  
  



End file.
